Sabotaging Speed-Dating

A while back, a coworker kept pestering me to go to a speed-dating session with her. Five minutes to assess and be assessed. Across a table. A cup of punch. Fidgeting with a golf card. A "Hi, My Name Is" sticker attached to your breast of choice. Why? She was in a long-term relationship; and I take more time than that to compare ingredients at the supermarket.

"It'll be fun."

I told her that if she ever convinced me to go—say on a low-sugar Monday after an encounter with an angry customer—I would be forced to use questions that would instantly derail any decent speed-dating session. "Why would you want to do that?"

That's a good question. I tried to answer her with some of my own.

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SPEED-DATING QUESTIONS

Guaranteed To Derail the 5-min Limit

(& Just Maybe Make Things More Interesting)

1. Within a month of starting a new relationship, which one of us do you expect will be driving your car?
2. Which is worse: saying too much or saying too little?
3. “I worry that I am turning into my parent.”
4. How much should men know about being a woman (or, vise versa)?
5. What would it take for you to visit a nude beach? an asylum? a retirement home?
6. My friends and your friends will naturally become Our friends.
7. There is a right way to disagree.
8. When is it acceptable to ask for alone time?
9. How much do you value left-overs?
10. “Used” or “Pre-Owned”?
11. At what point in a relationship will it be okay to leave the bathroom door open?
12. I am attached to my family name.
13. List conditions under which it’s okay for men to wear pink.
14. Running away from Boredom or running toward Fun?
15. In this day and age couples should expect to divide all the chores 50-50.
16. If we both liked radically-different types of music—rap/opera, for example—how hard should we try to listen to the other type?
17. Fairy tales should be rewritten to tell us more about what happens Ever After.
18. When is it okay to accept failure?
19. When is it okay for a woman to act like a woman, and a man to act like a man?
20. Presents are better when they’re wrapped.